999 Plus 1
by 1 crazy girl
Summary: When you have a world where Junpei is sexually confused, June is a creepy prostitute, Santa is having boat sex, Lotus is an A cup, Ace realizes seeing faces is a curse, and a whole bunch of other craziness, you got yourself one hell of a parody. T for REALLY bad language. OOCNESS. Summary written by Rainbow R. May or may not be accurate.
1. Chapter 1: June is such a whore

**A/N: We are here to present a whole another world of parody.**

**Written by 1 crazy girl and Rainbow R.**

**DISCLAIMER: If we owned 999, it would be this story. It is not this story. We do not own 999.**

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A really loud explosion woke Junpei up. That dumbass sat up so fast he hit his head on the metal roof. Then he fell off the bed and almost killed himself because the room had no carpet. The room designers decided third class passengers don't deserve carpet and if they were stupid enough to fall off their bunk beds, they deserved to die.

So Junpei just sat there on the floor for twenty minutes and complained about how much his head hurt. His voice was so whiny it cracked the window and a bunch water came flowing in.

"MY HEAD HURTS AND NOW I'M WET." Junpei complained as he sat in the ever rising water.

Junpei decided he rather die than walk around in shoe's full of water because he hated the way his socks rubbed his feet raw when they were wet. He also had been wearing his brand new Nike's that had cost him eight hundred, seventy-five dollars and twelve cents. Now that they were ruined he had come to the conclusion that he didn't want to live in a world where a mans brand new eight hundred, seventy-five dollar and twelve cent shoes could be ruined like they were worth nothing.

Junpei had decided to lay on the middle bunk of one of the beds to catch some Z's what a pirecing voice filled the room.

"Get off your sorry ass and solve the damn puzzles dipshit!"

The menacing voice was coming from Junpei's bracelet he had been previously unaware of. Junpei looked at the braclet and decided it clashed with his jacket and tried to take it off with no luck. Tears formed in his eyes as he addressed the menacing voice;

"Tell me mysterious voice...what is the meaning of life?"

"For the love of-," the voice cut itself off with a sigh, "Okay see the picture over there? Take it off the wall. If you can find a way to unscrew it there is a clue to get out of the room behind it."

Junpei sighed frustrated.

"But that involves getting up, and walking through the water. I'm wearing shoes that are worth more than your wife if she was being sold to an Islamic man as a slave. I ain't getting these things even more wet douche."

"Then lift up the pillow your big ass head is laying on. Just find a hint or do something."

"No thanks."

The mysterious voice let out a cry of frustration. "You know what? Fuck it!"

Junpei heard a click coming from the door and hurried to go investigate it. The door had a big sloppy five painted on and made Junpei wonder how high the painter had been. Right next to the door was this credit card thing that had a green dot on it and a lever. Pulling the lever Junpei was happy to see the door open.

"Wow! That was easy!"

Suddenly Junpei felt a pang of sadness. If only he had his easy button here then life would be so much better.

Junpei laid back and let the water carry him all the way to the stairs. Then he slowly took his time walking to B deck.

"Oh great, more stairs." Junpei said with disgust written all over his face.

He decided to take the stairs two at a time deeming it faster travel than just one at a time. All was well until his wet shoes betrayed him and he slipped.

"Fuck! Shit! Shit! THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT MY SHOES WET!" Junpei roared as he fell down multiple stairs and landed on the ground. Hard. Like, really, really hard.

He watched as a whole bunch of freaks passed him up, not even spearing him a glance.

"Yeah, it's not like I didn't fall down a whole staircase and almost broke my neck. I obviously don't need any help here. ASSHOLES."

Suddenly he felt another body topple onto his fallen form. He cried out in pain.

He heard a girly gasp above him.

"Jumpy!"

Oh god.

No.

It was _her._


	2. Chapter 2: June is still a whore

Junpei glared at Akane from his position on the other side of the room. He knew enough about her to distance himself from her and hope not to catch one of her many STD's from when she had fallen on him earlier.

It hadn't always been like this, in fact at one point in their adolescent life Junpei and Akane had been friends. It was when Akane turned the delicate age of 6 the drugs had started. Junpei had tried everything in his power to make Akane stop, from beating her to intervention but nothing worked. The last straw came when Akane savagely murdered the rabbits their class had kept for pets for rabbit feet to sell on the black market.

Junpei had loved those rabbits.

He took a moment to look at all the people gathered around him. Junpei decided he hated them all instantly. One of them looked like they weighed more than Texas, another had white hair like a porcupine yet was strangely attractive, there was a young girl with fucking herpes on her cheek or something (probably from Akane, Junpei deduced). Worst of all though, there was this grandma flashing her tits around like there was no tomorrow. They weren't even nice tits, they where old and saggy, like a plastic bag from Kroger.

Junpei nodded his head in respect to only decent one of the bunch. An elegantly dressed man who was clearly closing his eyes so he didn't have to see this freak show. He didn't seem to understand the concept of politeness considering he hadn't acknowledge Junpei with a nod back.

Junpei decided he was second under Akane on his hate list. He deserved at least ten nods from some elegantly dressed ass.

What a douche.

There was also this thin, shaking man who reminded Junpei of a drug dealer he once met when he vacationed in Miami. His name had been Harold. Junpei had gotten some cocaine for Akane since he knew she liked the shit. That was back when he tried to get along with the whore.

Last but not least there was wide set man who looked like the type who tried to hard to come off as mysterious and thoughtful. Instead he just came off looking like a rapist or the kid who bullied homosexuals in high school.

In the room there were two more doors that looked like the one Junpei had opened to escape from his room. Junpei groaned.

"More fucking numbered doors, just what I needed. My life is complete."

Porcupine head spoke up suddenly.

"You know the room I woke up in had a number on the door, just like that."

"Yeah man me too, me too! This is so cool we have so much in common, I bet we are going to become best friends, just you wait. By the way is that hair color natural because it looks great on you Mr. Handsome! I bet the ladies (and men) love you!" Said the wide set homosexual bullying man, sounding a little to desperate to make friends with another male. It turns out he is a kiss ass.

Junpei was beginning to think he _was_ the homosexual.

Suddenly every one started talking at once. It soon came to everyone's understanding that each one of them have awoken in a room with a locked door and had to solve a puzzle to escape. Junpei decided to leave out the part where he had used his intelligence to get Gas Mask man to unlock it for him. He didn't want the others be jealous.

"Some one go open the door or some shit. I'm to old to do it myself." Grandma tits reasoned as she crossed her arms.

"No really? What the fuck do you think we're going to do, braid each others hair?"

With those graceful words Porcupine was off running towards the doors. He quickly grabbed the door and pulled his hardest. It didn't even budge.

'What a pussy', Junpei thought.

"Its okay man you tried your best, I'm sure you're the strongest out of all of us, I mean look at those muscles! If you can't open it I bet no one can! Would you mind sharing your work out routine with me, why I bet you work out every single day, I bet your face is beautiful. Not that I can't see your face or anything hahaha!" Said Kiss ass.

Junpei scoffed.

"Kiss ass, he won't be so flattered when you molest him in a dark corner. Damn communist."

Suddenly, the man who looked bigger than Texas shoved Porcupine out of the way.

"Muve u in waye!111"

The fat ass tossed porcupine out of the way and starting throwing his large body against the door. Every one watched with a mixture or fascination and horror, only able to compare the sight to two whales matting.

Junpei averted his eyes towards the ground, not wanting to witness such a intimate movement between Fatass and the door. Then he caught a glance at June and decided he rather see ten fat men banging a door than that mess.

Not even a minute later a speaker crackled to life and a familiar voice filled the room.

"'Sup bitches. Welcome to my cruise."

Everyone's face went pale except for Junpei because he already knew of his superior intelligence when it came to Gas Mask man.

"Guys! It's Gas Mask Man!" Junpei cried pointing to the speaker, pride echoing in his tone for recognizing such an important person.

"My name is Zero dumbass. Anyways, I am the captain of this piece of shit and I kidnapped you for the lolz."

"Hey! Asshole, what the hell! You didn't have to fucking kidnapped me if you wanted sex tapes, all you had to was ask!" Porcupine yelled up at the speaker, frustration written all over his face. Honestly, he didn't understand why people didn't ever just ask for his sex tapes instead of kidnapping him. He was sick of spending his Saturdays this way.

"Yeah man! You could have just asked, I mean," Kiss ass tried to put arm around Porcupine only for him to throw it off, "This guy right here is one cool dude. He probably would have made a sex tape with you." Kiss ass sent Porcupine a suggestive look that let the white hair man's face tinted green.

"You see, you all are going to play a game."

"God dammit I hate when people fucking force me to play Candy Land...fucking rainbow trail my ass." Junpei said expressing his anger through his heart felt words.

"AHEM. Like I was saying all you are going to play this fun little game called the Nonary-"

"Nonary? What the hell is that dog food?" Junpei said expressing his confusion through his heart felt words.

"AGAMEWHEREYOUPUT-"

"I am so fucking hungry it is like unreal." Junpei said expressing his stupid ass emotions.

"Me hungerri 2" fatass say.

"WOULD YOU SHUT THE **** YOU ******* I MEAN HONESTLY **** **** GRASS *** MOTHER LICKING ***** ****." Zero seem to be very upset with Junpei's humble words.

Junpei decided not to mention his bladder problems.

"OK. Now you all are going to play this game call the Nonary game, which is not named after dog food you ignorant fuck," Gas Mask Man said before Junpei could repeat his question from earlier.

"It is a game where you have to put your life on the line."

"Nonary game?" questioned saggy tits with confusion written all over her face.

"wat hell dat?" Fat ass seem even more confused.

"I just said it was a game where you put your life on the line you dumb fucks. How about listening for once in your good for nothing life's. You can find the rules somewhere on each of yourselves, and no I didn't fucking molest you Junpei you sorry disgrace of humanity."

Gas Mask Man once again answered Junpei before he could voice his question.

"I think he likes me." Junpei said proud to have found a new friend in even the darkest of places.

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**A/N: What door was your favorite?**

**Rainbow R: Mine was pretty much any door with Santa in it. He makes me chuckle.**

**CRAZYGURL: I like them all (like a faggot)**

**Typed with love,**

**Rainbow R**

**I do everything**

**with no thanks.**

**My sister take advantage of my kindness.**

_Ideas given by each other and are discussed among ourselves._

_If you have an idea feel free to share them in a review._


	3. Chapter 3: Featuring June, the whore

"Nonary game?" Saggy tits croaked out with a worried look appearing underneath her many wrinkles.

"Hey theres something in my ass pocket!" Porcupine head exclaimed, shocked to find his pants actually had ass pockets.

"Wow, what a funny place to put a piece of paper. I'm sure your lovely, strong, firm hands are tired from trying to open the door earlier, would you like me to get it out for you. There's nothing homosexual about it, just a guy helping his friend out, its not like I'm going to cope a feel or anything, haha!" Kiss ass seemed to be very excited at Porcupine head's discovery.

"WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. Porcupine is an independent young white boy who don't need no man's help, so back off Kiss ass." Junpei nodded his head proudly at his thoughtful words.

Porcupine sent them both a dry look and then preceded to pull out the thin slip of paper.

"OMG!"

Everyone looked at the sound of Akane's squeaky voice only to see her pulling a piece of paper out of her ass.

"OMG! I was just looking for my lipstick and I found this piece of paper that is so random LOL." She then pulled out a little baggie with what Junpei thought was salt in it. Junpei rolled his eyes. Only a dumbass like Akane would carry around a bag of salt and sniff it.

Soon enough everyone found matching slips of paper in their own pockets. Excluding Fatass who had shockingly pulled his slip of paper out of a fat roll.

"it bcuz i half nott asspoket" Fatass explained in vain trying to get the others not to think less of him.

Junpei pulled his own out of his Nike shoes.

His wet Nike shoes.

His wet Nike shoes that had cost him eight hundred, seventy-five dollars and twelve cents.

Junpei stared at the wet piece of paper and felt despair fill him. Everyone else had their cool slip of paper from Gas Mask Man but all he had was a wet piece of broken dreams. He could feel his leadership of the group already slipping away, farther and farther out of his grasp with each passing second.

Junpei decided to use his cunning to fix his problem and take revenge against the elegantly dressed man for his earlier offence. Prince Douche would never see it coming.

While the other's where still mulling over the fact that they now had rules to the Nonary game, Junpei made his move. He stealthy snuck behind Prince Douche and snatched the paper from his ass pocket. The fool hadn't even seen it there. Junpei was doing him a favor.

"Hey everyone, pay attention to me!" Junpei shouted with glee still in his position behind Prince Douche. He felt his control returning to him as the rest of the grouped turned toward him giving him all of their undivided attention. It made him love himself again.

"You got a letter too? Well then don't just stand there dumbass read it...damn inbred.."

Junpei frowned at Kiss Ass's rude tone. Kiss ass would never talk to Porcupine Head like that. It made Junpei want to stand on a chair and shout for equality but then that would include Akane. A shudder went through him just thinking about it.

Junpei looked down only for his smug smirk to fall off his face. He look at the letter in dismay as it was only a series of useless tiny black dots.

"It's just a bunch of stupid ass dots!"

A sudden rage filled Junpei. Prince Douche had set him up! He had known Junpei would steal his letter, so he had planted a fake filled with dots to confuse and make a fool out of Junpei. He wanted to take Junpei's leadership for himself!

The monster himself let out a sigh.

"You got your paper wet and stole mine didn't you? ...Damn inbred."

"Why I would never!" Junpei turned around to address the rest of the group. "Do you people see this? This man, NO, THIS MONSTER is trying turn to us all against each other!"

Prince Douche just snatched the letter back from Junpei and began to read it.

"On this boat you will encounter some doors with numbers emblazoned on them. For your delicate, simple and ignorant minds, yes I'm talking about you Junpei, we will call them numbered doors,"

"I think I'm his favorite." Junpei said puffing his chest out in pride.

"The only way to open these doors are with the bracelets, that thing on your wrist Junpei, that you all have. If you add up all the numbers and find the digital root equal to the number on the door, it will open. Junpei there are others here to help you, don't try to figure it out yourself, you'll just hurt yourself and everyone around you."

"Oh and only those who have opened the door may pass through and only three to five people can pass through a numbered door. Can't have you dumb fucks crowding the place up. Everyone who enters must leave and all who enter must contribute. Junpei that means you can't go through the door five by yourself because you're a 'conflicted hero who partners with no one'. You are a dumbass. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Now the purpose of this game is simple, fuck bitches get money."

Prince Douche's brow furrowed as he fingered the last line.

There was a long moment of silence and then once again the ships' speaker crackled to life.

"So yeah find the door with a nine and the boat is already sinking and shit [Titanic facts] you have nine hours to get off this shit hole. I'm done talking."

The speaker went silent. Then a loud bell tolling echoed through the hall.

Porcupine Head began to rap about his feelings so badly that it would embarrass even the worst of rappers.

"MAH ERS! MAH ERS! DEY PAIN!" Fatass started throwing himself at the wall clearly in pain.

"Wow what a beautiful voice you have there you young handsome man. I bet you could do concerts, did you make that all up just now? What a talented tongue you have there...hehehe." Kiss ass complimented.

Everyone else, even Junpei, remained silent.

Junpei found himself consumed by his thoughts.

Who the hell named their kid zero?

How late does McDonalds sell breakfast?

Did he leave the oven on in his apartment again?

Why is an alarm clock going "off" when it actually turns on?

If you mated a bull dog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

Can blind people see their dreams?

What happens when you get 'half scared to death' twice?

Is it true cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If all the world's a stage, where does the audience sit?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the others drown too?

But one question was foremost on his mind...

Why hadn't Akane died from her drug abuse yet?

Coincidence? Junpei thought otherwise.

There had and was a reason, he rationalized.

Aliens.

Of course!

Only Aliens would be ignorant enough to put up with Akane and her bullshit.

"Well then." Kiss ass began to speak, his voice loud as can be, " We can just stand around here as much as I'd LOVE to get to know some of you," he stared directly at Porcupine head, his eyes low, "We better get moving." He was still staring at Porcupine head's crotch as he said his last words.

"But my shoes are still wet!" Junpei exclaimed shocked at Kiss ass's inconsiderate suggestion.

"For the last time Junpei, no one cares about your wet shoes." Saggy tits croaked out being the ignorant old lady she was. As if Junpei's suffering was nothing.

"Are you like, omg gunna open, like, the door lmao?" Akane said, the white of her eyes already a flaming red.

"I don't want to do anything. I'm too old for this shit." Saggy tits complained about her back for ten minutes and then proceeded to spit out nonsense of not doing what Zero says.

Kiss ass shot her an annoyed look.

"I'm saying we should all split up into groups and find another way. I CALL HIM!" Kiss ass grabbed Porcupine Head's arm and ran away.

The rest of them quickly formed their own groups and ran off leaving Junpei to face his own nightmare...

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**A/N: Thank you for all the support and reviews! They're what keeps this story going!**


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